Letting Go

By Sue Eby Dreshfield '78

As I write this, I am gazing into the other room where my number one child is bent over his new Macbook loading additional educational software (read that: games) for use at college. “Ay, chispas!” he mutters. Clearly, something isn’t progressing as planned. “Stop swearing in Spanish,” I reply, mildly. “Mooooom,” comes the retort without even a backward glance, “I’ve told you a million times, I’m NOT swearing!” Hmph, he fumes in Spanish.

So go the final days of David’s 18-year tenure as the oldest child living in our home. After a whirlwind senior year jam-packed with AP classes, tests, college visits, applications, the ever-important extra-curriculars and more applications, we are readying ourselves for the final snip of the umbilical cord. Claremont McKenna College looms large on the western horizon. And while the days of late summer are still long, I’m feeling the anxious speed at which each remaining day departs. I watch him (surreptitiously, of course) as he goes about his day, and I’m surprised at the racing of my heart and tears that threaten. I’ve read the books, heard the advice from family and friends, but nothing adequately prepares you for the ‘Big Good-bye’. What do you say? What CAN you say? If I had to put it in words, here’s my open letter to David.

Dear David,

How do I begin to tell you just what you mean to me? In my mind’s eye, I see a happy, gurgling, roly-poly baby who is content to sit on my lap and look at picture books by the hour but cries whenever I start singing a lullaby!(Sad, that) I see a two-year-old jumping around in a diaper, necktie and Mickey Mouse ears yelling, “Button, Mommy! Button! Button!”, as the opening tune for Wheel of Fortune plays on TV. I see a three-year-old reciting street signs and billboard slogans from the backseat of the car as I stare incredulously at your Dad asking, “Did he just READ that?” I see a four-year-old running around the house in this Batman cape fighting evil and crime on a daily basis. I see my new five-year-old going off to kindergarten, and I realize, a bit tearfully, that we are heading into a new phase of life and you’re not really a baby anymore. Somehow, we’ve come full circle, and here we are embarking on yet another new phase of life.

It’s hard to explain just how much I love you. A parent’s love is unique and special and different than any other kind. It’s a kind of soaring, all-encompassing, endless love. It just fills you up in a way that you could never really imagine. You realize that you would do anything to protect this little person that God has left in your charge (even though you’re terrified to death that you have no idea what you’re doing!). You vow to do the very best that you can to raise this child to be a wonderful human being. And, you DO try. And, your best isn’t always perfect or flawless. You sometimes forget to be patient, or speak too harshly, or judge too quickly. But that doesn’t change the intent…or the love. Nothing changes the love you feel. Someday, I hope you have the great fortune of feeling the same way with your own children. And, you will. You have so much to look forward to in the months and years ahead.

Now, I see an 18-year-old who faces a very challenging and exciting change in his life and is handling it beautifully. I see a grown up, confident young man who is ready to take off to California for four years to pursue a great educational opportunity without his parents going along to smooth the way. I see a curious, reflective, and insightful student whose love of learning has never wavered. You are a great son, and we have always been proud of you. No matter what you do in life or which path you take, we will always love you and support you, and undoubtedly, you always will be a great source of pride for our family. Above all, remember to be kind to others, tolerant of differences, and true to yourself. You have a wonderful future ahead of you! We look forward with great anticipation and excitement and wonder at where life will lead you. Please know that we will be behind you every step of the way (like parents always are!) cheering you on and praying for your happiness and safety.

With special love, Mom

I put this aside a week and a half ago because the craziness of last minute college moving preparations took over our home. We’ve just returned from California, and I suppose I’m still a bit numb. The kid who has been trying so diligently to separate from us for the last year, staking a flagpole on his field of independence, seemed a bit apprehensive as the last good-bye neared. Recognizing the myriad of emotions that played across his face, I willed myself to smile, issue the required parental assurances that all will be well and shed nary a tear. Don’t ask how I managed that……..I’ll never know. But, I do know that nearly one week later, he’s happy, healthy, and enthusiastic about his new home. We can’t ask for more than that.

I just have one question. Does anyone know of a 12-step program for letting go?

Top: Proud parents - Rich and Sue with David at High School graduation, Middle: David at two in his Batman cape during a respite from fighting evil & crime, Bottom: David's High School Senior picture.

Comments

[Gayna Petrolino (Bernhardt)]

I also could have written the same words about my own only son. Who incidently hated me singing lullabys or anything else. I think his first sentence was sadly "no singing mommy". He is only a freshman now but I know that soon I will be in your shoes. I'm encouraging his independence but at the same time feeling some sadness. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Sue Eby Dreshfield]

All,

Thanks for the nice comments. Clearly, I am not alone in sending off my first child with mixed emotions! If David's homesick, he doesnt' show it. Most of his too few phone calls have been short and sweet and usually pertain to laundry questions! Because this seems to be a great mystery to the 18-year-old male brain, I think I may have hit on a way to tie him to me FOREVER!! Seriously, though, while I may sit and stare at the phone for far too many minutes in a day, I am resisting the urge to become a "helicopter parent" by hovering around or dropping into his life all the time. He's doing great. We couldn't be more proud!

[Chrystella Byers]

((((Sue))))

I could have written that letter myself to my child. Gosh, the years go by faster than we'd like.

You did good girl. He is indeed a fine young man, what more could you possibly want?

Thanks so much for sharing. My only child i a sophomore and already I feel a bit of loss! It's not like when they were in pre-school! Take care and hope to see you in Washington DC!!!

Dana, Myrna and Gabe - Big smooch!!!!

[Dana Williams]

Sue,

Sounds like you have a wonderful family. I don't have any kids myself, but my brother has two. I don't know which was worst for him and my sister-in-law, when my nephew left for college (he is in the Air Force at Nellis now) or when my neice left for ASU in Tucson last year. He said it was so hard to let go the first time but just as hard to become an empty-nester. And according to my parents you never really let go. Take pride in David and cherish the memories of your "little boy".

[Gabe Montes]

Beautiful story, Sue. Jane and I had two that flew the coop. Nicolette got married last year and moved up to Sacramento. Renee moved to San Francisco and is now attending the Culinary Academy there. Thankfully, they are both within arms reach.

We still have two more at home, Olivia's now a Junior in HS and Devin has just begun 6th grade at the Middle School.

The visits of our two older daughters are too few and far between. At least in Mom's eyes. I continue to tell her they're young adults now with their own priorities; and to think back when we were their age. They do make their way home for visits now and again. They even take their brother and sister for sleepovers, giving Jane and I some needed quality time.

Regardless of how many times we to watch our child leave the nest, it's just as difficult as the first time!

Looks like you two raised a fine, upstanding young man. Congratulations to you both!

[Myrna Nickelsen]

Lovely and very touching article, Sue!

After meeting Rich this summer and hearing the two of you talk about David (plus having the very-impressed Mark Anderson read me a letter David wrote him), it's clear that you have a very remarkable, curious, articulate, analytical, and intelligent son. If he's half as charming as Rich and half as sweet as you, well then, you've got a son with a pretty incredible future.

As Mark and I discussed recently, it's always heartening when we hear or learn of young, focused kids such as David. It makes us feel okay that one day, when we're old and gray, they will be running the world.

Congratulations on raising a fine young man.